Hello, my name is Jock and I am a West Highland Terrier, I’m looking for good people to adopt me. I decided to go over a few things that I need in an owner, so there will be less arsin’ aboot come adoption time.
First off, lets get somethin’ perfectly clear, I’m not a doll: I wis’nae put here to fill a void because yer mammy never held you enough. I’m a living breathing animal, a different species than you – I’m a privilege, NOT an entitlement!
My needs are fairly simple – feed and walk me daily, give me fresh water, love me and don’t hurt me. Now, because I’m a daft dug, I do require training or I’ll run around yer hoose like an eejit and make you look a big walloper at the dog park. Here’s what I need tae know:
- Socialize me (if you don’t I’ll make you regret it)
- House train me (if you don’t I’ll hose doon your new furniture and shite under the bed)
- Teach me not to bite (if you don’t I’ll set aboot ye every chance I get)
- Come (teach me this or I’ll make ye look like a big pie in front of all yer pals)
- Sit (to distract me from daft stuff)
- Teach me not to jump up on you (I’ll do this just to annoy you if you don’t)
- Teach me to walk on lead (just teach me not to pull, never mind the mad heel nonsense)
Now, with your big primate brains should be able to handle that, it’s no rocket science. Here’s a few things you better no try wi’ me or I’ll set aboot ye:
- Don’t yell at me
- Don’t hit me
- Don’t leave me in a wee box for 10 hours so you can afford to buy rubbish you don’t need
- Don’t ignore me or your responsibilities
- Don’t feed me cheap scran from big sleazy supermarkets
- Pick up my shite every day
- Don’t buy me a million toys then never play with me – I’M A BLOODY DUG not a human!
- DON’T try any hillbilly training techniques or any of that Cesar Millan bollocks or I’ll set aboot ye
- Don’t make me wear a choke or pinch collar or we’re gonn’ae have a problem
If you lazy humans can’t promise me those simple things, then leave me where I bloody well am and let someone else adopt me.
Psssst. Jock isn’t a real dog, but pay attention to his message!